The women who live alone in their apartments have certain problems they are so accustomed to. These are some of them.
1. Getting a gorgeous wing chair off Craigslist and realizing you can’t carry it yourself. And winding up having to hire one of those shady“man with a van” guys and putting yourself in a situation that could quickly become very Law and Order: SVU.
2. Walking home alone in unsafe areas at night. Or having to spend money on a cab.
3. Staying in every night of the weekend because nobody’s making you go to parties. Sometimes this is good. Other times it means that you don’t hear another human voice for 36 hours anddon’t even mind.
4. Nobody forces you to do your dishes and clean on the regular. You wind up having to wear a Hazmat suit by the time you get around to cleaning the bathroom.
5. Binge-watching TV. Partly because you’re not REALLY alone if Frasier, Niles and Daphne are in your apartment with you. (I know every single line of every episode of Frasier.) (Nobody’s ever going to have sex with me again.)
6. You’re responsible for all of your own cable and electric bills. And that shit adds up.
7. The fear of “dying, not being found for four days, and by then the cat has eaten your face” never quite leaves you. You chew your food verrrrry slowly and methodically. But you could always slip in the shower and break your neck.
8. Cooking for yourself is boring. And the temptation to Seamless every night is strong.
9. Nobody’s home to accept packages for you if you’re not there. That slacker roommate who was always “between jobs right now” was at least good for one thing.
10. When a neighbor is being loud, you’re the one who has to go deal with it. And do the passive-aggressive door knocking and/or note situation.
11. When a super is being unreliable, you’re the one who has to go deal with it. There’s no hot water in my shower. I’ve left you ten messages. I gave you $50 for Christmas. This is not adding up.
12. People who live alone increase their risk of depression to as much as 80 percent.
13. Half the groceries you buy go bad until you finally realize exactly what portions you need for the week. Fresh fruits or veggies? Forget it. Frozen all the way.
14. Bodega dudes look at you sadly when you purchase Twix, tampons and that single-person milk carton. DON’T JUDGE ME, SIR.
15. You might have to kill and/or trap and release things.Rats. Mice. Cockroaches.
16. You don’t have roommates’ clothes to borrow. I still think about a former roommate’s BCBG dress sometimes when I am on my way to a third date.
17. When you lock your key in your apartment, you have to annoy the landlord by asking him to let you in, and if you can’t reach him, you have the entire lock/key system replaced for a grillion dollars. No.
18. OH MY GOD, IT’S 4 A.M. AND WHAT WAS THAT NOISE.Someone’s trying to break in. Oh God. Can I use my gymnastics trophy or this empty box of Cap’n Crunch as a weapon?
19. You regularly rip back the shower curtain because you are sure there’s an intruder who is about to go Psycho on your ass. And then nobody is there, and you get the floor all wet.
20. There’s nobody to tell you there’s granola in your teeth before you leave the house.
21. And nobody to veto/approve your outfit. Is this shirt stupid-cool or just stupid? You will not know until you get to the party.
22. That thing where someone calls you and you haven’t spoken words out loud in so long that you sound like a crazed grandma/Lil Jon combo. “HELLO?! WHAT!”