Possessive boyfriends are deadly. They can be deadly to themselves, the partner involved and as such the relationship is a ticking time bomb. Possessiveness in a relationship is tied to some psychological factors and most possessive relationships are like a master-slave relationship.

About three years ago, there was this guy who was dating a certain girl but the relationship was a possessive/controlling one. The guy controlled who she could talk to, who she could greet, what she could wear and so on. He always wanted her in his sight. It got so bad that this girl and the guy were walking down the street one day, they met a friend of mine. The girl had to make a signal to my friend to walk past them as if they didn’t know each other. At night, this girl would call my friend to lament she was fed up of the relationship. One day, she told him she was quitting the relationship. She did it face-to-face. That is what adults do. She then left his house that day. The guy, obviously distraught, started flooding her phone with text messages which she ignored. At this time, she was updating my friend with full details.

However, two text messages stood out. The first text indicated that he was going to commit suicide. She ignored it too. Later the second one came in which indicated that he was in pains and dying. With doubts and yet not leaving anything to chance, she rushed to his house only to find him bleeding and gushing out whitish stuff from his mouth. He had drunk the popular pesticide Sniper. She shouted for help and the neighbours came in to find his dying body. They pinned the incidence on her. This is the reason many people don’t help accident victims in Nigeria. Well, back to the story, she advocated for her innocence meanwhile he was being rushed to the hospital. The guy’s family came around and said if the guy dies, they would hold her responsible.

On the third day, he died. The family of the deceased made the arrest but in the process, she made a call to my friend, the narrator of this story. He met her at the police station and they starting discussing the cause of events to the police. The Nigerian police, as usual, don’t really care so much. They didn’t bother to make further enquiries since grieving family members had made an arrest, then they must be right. It was a lot of trouble getting around the case but the girl had told my friend she received a message from the deceased which he (my friend) had warned her not to delete. It was this time that the message was useful. She explained to the police that she had received a text from the deceased. They demanded to see it. In short, that was how the case was dropped. Presently, she still trying to pick up the pieces of her life because such experience is a traumatizing one.

This is a classic example of how a possessive/controlling relationship could end. What a tragedy! Many people are in these types of relationships. I don’t have a scientific data but I feel ladies are more victims of these types of relationship as men tend to be the controlling ones. How do you manage a break from a controlling/possessive relationship?

A revered policeman once said “you’re your first line of defence”. Your first line of defence in this type of relationship is that you make reliable people aware of the state of the relationship. I said “reliable”. It is not enough to have people told, it is when you inform reliable people. People who could comfort and stand by you through thick and thin. From the story, imagine if my friend had not been reliable or had not stepped up to support her, I’m sure she would be in jail by now—in Nigeria, it doesn’t take much time for that to happen. Also make sure your own family members know about the relationship. NEVER keep a controlling/possessive secret. When its tragedy happens, the police won’t care.
By the time you start noticing some tendencies of maniac controlling, start archiving messages, emails and record conversions during an argument. DO NOT DELETE ANY. If the lady had deleted those messages she received in the last moments probably due to anger, she would be behind bars. Keep a cool head at this time. On any day of an argument, keep record. If need be keep a diary with dates and locations.

Lastly, I believe most controlling relationships do involve being physical sometimes, report to the police. You decide not to make an arrest but let them be aware of what you are going through. Most importantly, quit the relationship early.

There may be no foolproof approach to managing a possessive relationship but I’m sure some of the above tips will help.

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