18+ How to Make Your Vagina Taste Awesome
Ever since I’ve been old enough to sneak copies of Teen Magazine at the middle school library, I’ve known that v@ginas (sorry, “down theres”) are mysterious, confusing places that need to be waxed, washed, wiped, and maintained lest all men run screaming away from you and you end up spending your life attachment parenting a series of rescue cats.
As I matured and graduated to an entirely new level of man-obsessed stupidity in magazines, I gradually realized that while ladymags dispense plenty of advice on how v@ginas should look, there’s no real yardstick on how they should taste, or how a high achieving gal like me who just wants to have the tastiest s***** in town could go about getting it. Science must have some answers, right?
v@ginas (or vulvas, nerds) taste the way they taste because of a combination of factors — your body’s natural sweaty smells plus the smell of whatever detergent you use on your underwear plus the smell of any soaps you use plus the smell of the your v*****’s juices, so the obvious first step to having a fragrant, delicious pubic region would be to thoroughly wash and wear clean laundry that you wash in soap that doesn’t contain dyes or fragrances that will clash with your body’s natural scent.
It might seem like a good idea to douche with Malibu Musk in order to get a nice tropical vibe going in your southern hemisphere, but that’s, uh, not the case. Don’t do that. Keep it gentle, keep it minimally fragrant. Try taking a bath, if you’ve got time. Cotton panties (or, if you hate the word panties, “skivvies” or “pantaloons”) are better than less breathable fabrics, since your crotch is sort of like an armpit between your legs.
Malibu Musk 2.5 oz Body Spray
Keeping the outside part of your flower clean is the easy part, though. What’s tough is managing the juices, which are in a state of giant, near constant bacterial war, a war in which giant armies are murdered or raised in a matter of hours. Women have pretty unique v@ginal bacterial fingerprints, and thus unique tastes.
Surprisingly, not much research has been done on what a girl can do to alter the makeup of her v@ginal secretions in a way that’s reflected in the taste, and so most advice for making your v***** taste awesome is based on old wives’ tales and anecdotes and hilariously misspelled Yahoo answers.
During my informal snooping and asking around, I found pineapple mentioned frequently as v@ginal taste aid. Apparently, it’s high in sugars, and when you eat it, some internal mechanism sends tiny Magic School Buses to your stomach to cart away the sweet pineapple molecules straight to your v*****. Also recommended: apples, celery, yogurt, red grapes, cranberry juice, lots of water, mint, watermelon, strawberries. Basically, anything that grows that isn’t smelly.