What Your Taste In Music REALLY Says About Your Sex Life

Music means a lot of things to a lot of people. For some people, it reminds them of the memorable times in life. For others, it’s a great way to relax. And for still others, it’s a fingerprint-smudged window into their very souls.

Does your love of hard rock mean you’re a dangerous person? Does your smooth jazz Spotify list make you unflappable in the face of controversy? Does your “turn down for what” tattoo make you ready for fun at the drop of a Kangol?

Music is a language that speaks for us, and says what our heart means when our own words fail. It’s powerful and important, and part of being a human. That said, here’s what your favorite artist from the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and today says about your sex life:

Adele: You’re not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg, but if there’s gonna be an orgasm, there’s gonna be tears.

The Beatles: You’re just going through the motions, until you get pregnant or a show from the NCIS franchise most geographically near to you starts on the television.

Beyoncé: You just have sex to get people to like you more, or you’re into having sex with much less attractive people because it makes you feel pretty.

The Black Keys: Your dirty talk game is on fleek. But your sex game is on weak.

Bob Dylan: You make an exceptional amount of eye-contact as if you were trying to steal your partner’s soul or merge yours into their own.

Florida Georgia Line: You’ve never and WILL never turn down a legitimate offer for a threesome.

Gwar: Pee is generally sterile and you don’t really like asparagus anyway, so rubber sheets are a sturdy investment.

Hank Williams, Sr.: You’ve never been sober during sex … or at least you can’t remember if you’ve ever been sober during sex.

Insane Clown Posse: You call it “making miracles” and it rarely involves the kind of kissing that my ruin meticulous face-painting.

Jeff Buckley: The downside is that it’s always missionary. But the upside? It’s always spectacular.

Judas Priest: If you’re not slightly bruised, you’re probably not enjoying yourself.

Kanye West: You’re always thinking of the same person while you have sex: yourself.

Katy Perry: You sometimes forget what you’re doing or whom you’re with or where you are during sex (and this isn’t isolated to when you have sex).

Lil Wayne: You could do something other than 69ing, but why would you?

Madonna: You insist on changing positions every 30 to 40 seconds — not because it feels good, but because you don’t want anyone to get bored.

Major Lazer: You’re intimidated by beds, as most of your sex has happened on dance floors and semi-permanent bathrooms.

Mark Knopfler: You explain, in exquisite detail, why your partner should be enjoying what you’re doing while you’re doing it.

Metallica: People are very, very lucky to have sex with you, which is something you remind them of very, very regularly.

The Rolling Stones: Sometimes you fake it, even when you’re by yourself.

Sleater-Kinney: You’ve live-tweeted a sexual encounter … you know, as a goof.

The Smiths: You’ve tried pegging and you give it two thumbs way up.

Sting: You’ve fallen asleep during sex, more times than not.

Taylor Swift: You’re too emotionally young to be having sex at all, but particularly with John Mayer.

Tupac: You’re not exceptionally concerned with your partner’s orgasm.

Waxahatchee: You leave your Waxahatchee t-shirt on during sex and will possibly use dirty talk about lead singer Katie Crutchfield as foreplay.

Weird Al Yankovich: Mutual masturbation is still sex and way more difficult for anyone to get pregnant. Who’s the dumbass now?

Wu Tang Clan: You have an Asian fetish — a real bad one.

That’s it! Feel free to add to the list because we’d all really like to know how a Talking Heads fan gets down.