8 Things You Should Know If You Are Dating A First-born

Oldest children are the best kind of children. (But, of course, I’m biased because I’m an oldest child myself – of five!) If you have the good fortune of loving/dating/marrying/sexing one of us, congrats to you, good sir! You’re in for a fun ride. Just buckle your seat belt first and pay attention to these safety instructions first, will ya?

1. We’re bossy. Like this song, yo. But for real, most oldest children are used to ruling the roost and telling their pep squad of little bro and sis’s what to do and how to do it. This works until said little bro and sis get old enough and put you in your damn place. But still, the bossiness remains.

2. We’re a little entitled. Our parents gave us every opportunity in the world and fawned over us and took more baby photos of us and were more careful the first time around with us, so we’re used to being treated a little special. Life, and all it’s hardships, have a way of chipping away at this perceived “specialness” but still, we got more attention than the rest of our siblings and it’s something that sticks with us forever.

3. We get along great with youngest children. I have no scientific data to back this up, except to say that nearly all my ex-boyfriends (and my current beau) are youngest kids. Maybe they like the authority; who knows?

4. We seek validation. Our parents praised our every move and yes, I know, they really should’ve cut back on that a bit. But as a result of this, we like to be patted on the back and given gold stars when we’ve done something positive. Which leads me to…

5. …We’re over-achievers. We like to be praised, therefore we achieve. It’s almost an addiction. Apologies to younger siblings everywhere who have to live up to their oldest siblings.

6. We take initiative. It’s just what we do. If something needs to be accomplished at work, we will accomplish it – or delegate it to one of our younger siblings (er, employees) to do it for us.

7. We’re great organizers of large groups of people. We can do this with our eyes shut. We’ve been herding our family of sheep into minivans/airplanes/restaurants/etc for YEARS now; corralling people into a semblance of unity should basically be on our resume. In fact, I think it is.

8. We don’t like to share our stuff. Because seriously, our little sisters have been stealing our sweaters/eyeliner/CAR for like, 20 years now and we’re really f*cking over it. Don’t touch our stuff without permission!