7 Safe Ways To Explore BDSM Without Hurting Your Marriage

Make him your equal in the streets and your master in the sheets.

Have you fantasized about experimenting with domination in the bedroom? (It’s OK, you can admit it.) Perhaps you’ve only recently felt curious about the wonders of bondage and spanking after the Fifty Shades hype.

Either way, I’m here to tell you that you’re not the only one.

YourTango’s recent Happy, Healthy Sex In Marriage Survey asked their network of sex, love and relationship experts to divulge what sex trends married couples are most curious about trying. Topping the list: “BDSM and bondage sex.”

Kinky sex can unlock new worlds of erotic adventure, adding much-needed novelty and excitement to long-term relationships. But how does playing with power in the bedroom affect your entire relationship? Does getting kinky between the sheets mean giving up control in other areas of life?

Kinky sex is like an extreme sport. It can deliver thrilling highs and life changing adventures, but it also poses real risks. Playing with power in the bedroom can either strengthen your marriage or, conversely, destroy it.

So if you’re fantasizing about BDSM and feel ready introduce bondage sex into your marriage and to start exploring the kinkier side of sex, here is your essential guide to keeping your marriage intact while getting wild in the bedroom:

1. Begin with kinky conversations.

Before you start your sexual explorations, make sure you’re speaking the same language as a couple about what that exploration entails. Do a little research, read some books, listen to podcasts and converse about a range of sexual topics. Getting comfortable talking about sex is the first step to mastering new erotic skills.

Talk about how you feelings about kinky sex, bondage, and erotic domination. What turns you on? What scares you? These early conversations reveal a lot, allowing you to build intimacy and trust before you begin.

2. Balance the power in your relationship.

Sixty-two percent of YourTango experts surveyed said that “a healthy sexual relationship can never truly exist when one partner has power, control or dominance over the other partner.” And of those experts who disagreed and believe it is possible to enjoy BDSM and maintain a healthy relationship, nearly all from that category made a specific point of mentioning “consent” as vital; otherwise, there’s a real possibility of power imbalance erupting in the relationship — one that is not at all healthy.

To prevent this, make sure you feel like true equal partners outside the bedroom. Get clear about your finances, household chores, childcare and other areas where power imbalance might exist. Check in to make sure neither of you harbor any resentment about your life together. You don’t want these issues coming up as you explore consensual power play in the bedroom!

3. Don’t blur boundaries.

There is one essential rule about BDSM that you must maintain: the erotic power exchange is temporary. In other words, when you play with power in the bedroom, that power exchange begins and ends there.

You may love getting a great spanking within the erotic context, but that doesn’t give your husband permission to slap your butt whenever he wants. You may get off on being called nasty names in bed, but you’d never imagine being called those same names in day-to-day life.

No matter how kinky you get in bed, maintain a balanced partnership in the larger context of your relationship — one built on mutual respect and love.

4. Get specific about what you want.

If you crave truly fulfilling, kinky sex with your spouse, you must understand what each of you desires from one another. “I want my husband to dominate me” is not specific enough and, in this terrain, being vague is a recipe for disaster.

Do you want him to exhibit rough behavior and call you nasty names? Or do you want him to ravish you while praising your beauty? Do you desire humiliation, or just being overpowered? And do you like being physically overpowered, but not physically hurt or harmed?

The point is, your context of “rough” is likely different from your partner’s, so speak honestly and specific about what you want. The details make all the difference, so get clear before you start experimenting.

5. Take baby steps.

BDSM does not have to ever involve pain if you don’t want it to and you don’t have to go all the way, all at once. We recommend taking baby steps as you explore kinky sex to reduce risk and give you the chance to figure out what works best for you.

Into bondage? Start with simple wrist cuffs added into the sex you already love and enjoy. Want to experience intense sensation? Get started with erotic spanking, and leave the whips for more advanced play.

6. “Switch” it up.

In the BDSM world, a “switch” is someone who enjoys both domination and submission. Even if one of you is more inclined to one role or the other, it’s important to explore switching it up once in a blue moon.

Experiencing kink from both sides of the power equation is the only way to fully understand it. It can also be very hot to find your inner domme and have your significant other begging at your feet!

7. Get trained.

Athletes don’t jump into extreme sports without thorough training in the fundamental skills. Don’t make the mistake of exploring kinky sex without learning the basics. Far from clinical, learning the skills of kinky bondage sex is a great adventure to embark upon with your lover, and gives you the confidence to freely explore while minimizing risk.

Remember, playing with power in the bedroom can really be thrilling and just what you need to keep your sex life exciting over the years. But it can also create marital meltdowns if you go too far too quickly, or if you let the power play bleed into your relationship. So go slowly and keep the domination in the bedroom and you may find that kinky bondage sex is just what you need in your sex life.