7 reasons why you should hate Nigeria

Having travelled the world, you get a pretty fair view on how fascinating some countries and the cultures they carry can be. In the spirit of repartee and with a pinch of salt, Jovago.com, Africa’s largest hotel booking portal presents 10 reasons why you should take a second look at the most populous black nation in the world.

 

1. Because their men are great lovers

Ever been kissed by a Nigerian man? One touch and your life is skewed forever. There is no actual word for their form of kissing but it’s akin to having your lips plugged to a suction pipe, an embrasser avec la langue of sorts which leaves your facial muscles hurting in all the wrong places.

 2. Because we’ve been allowed to believe that Nigerian women can’t get slim

Current diet books claim that Nigerian women are chubby because they eat only fresh beef, all day. Their obesity rates are bursting the scales and one in four women is on some kind of medication before they hit menopause. Try sitting with them on a bus and you suffocate. The fact that Agbani Darego went on to win the Miss World pageant in 2001 doesn’t count…she’s only an exception.

 

3. They have no chill for wildlife, too

All flying and crawling creatures are for food in this country. In 2015, millions of chickens and goats are force-fed with grass in order to produce enough meat for a single meal. Heck, there’s a part of Nigeria where dogs are considered a delicacy. How weird is that?!

4. Because they lack humour

Have you heard a Nigerian laugh before? Utter chaos! Before the Revolution, the French invented the word l’esprit, which means ‘wit’, but the term “humour” had no comparison until this group of people were created. At the slightest tickle, they burst in rib-racking laughter with veins popping out of their heads, almost like a convulsion.

 

5. And they think their cooking is the best in the world

Large bowls of fatty meat steeped in greasy oil is a Nigerian’s version of a gourmet meal. They boast of 5-star multichain hotels with international standard chefs and when the platter is served, round balls called Eba big enough to choke you in the throat stare you in the face. Who knows, maybe this is what makes their dishes so popular. Coincidence,non?

6. Because they love Fela

In 1969, Fela went on tour of the United States as the first authentic black musician to play in 10 American cities. His fame did not stop there. With his quick tongue and witty disposition, he soon became a primary target of the military regime he fought against. Fela’s music went platinum, he died of AIDS and had a heavy drug problem.

7. And they hate rock ‘n’ roll

At least most of them do. It’s strange how you see them gyrating to a class of music calledFuji, which totally lacks rhythm by the way, and yet have they turn their nose up at metallic rock. Yes, their artistes have won countless awards around the globe and yes, their excitement is infectious sometimes but this doesn’t mean a thing…or does it?