1. He is Brody Jenner. Except for the white skin around his eyes, his face always looks sunburned. His hair is always longer and fuller on top only because that’s how frat guys achieve ~*SeX ApPeAl*~.
2. He starts moshing when he hears “Turn Down for What” at a wedding. This song, man, it speaks to his soul. Turn down for what, indeed.
3. He has a coozie collection. A Very Important and Meaningful coozie collection. How else would he remember 2010’s most epic foam party if not for that coozie?
4. His “going out” look is one of two button downs (white or blue) + hair gel. He’s ready to drink, bro.
5. He wears flip-flops. He owns a few pairs for different occasions. Dressy flip-flops, drinking flip-flops, shower flip-flops.
6. He calls women “chicks” in earnest. “Bro, that chick, man. I don’t know what to do with this chick, man, bro.”
7. He thinks Dave Matthews is the greatest musician of all time. He refuses to acknowledge there might be another way.
8. He wears the sticker that comes on the brim of his hat. He doesn’t see it as a clothing tag, he sees it as an accessory.
9. He doesn’t mold the bill of his hat, resulting in what the kids call a “flat bill.” He turns down for what and what alone — he will not turn down for society and its curved-brim ways.
10. He wears board shorts as regular shorts, even if he isn’t going to the beach.
11. He calls everyone, including girls, “Bro.” “Hey bro, nice dress, bro. U #sexy, bro.”
12. He’s worn basketball shorts while not working out. He has a pair to go with all his sets of flip-flops.
13. He has posters on his wall. Dave Matthews, probably.
14. He has a subwoofer in his car. You can’t experience Dave any other way, man.
15. He wears a necklace with a charm on it. A Sentimental Charm. Of, like, a Chinese character that isn’t even real Chinese.
16. His couch is either a futon or made of black leather. It’s where he goes to count his coozies and chicks.
17. His flirtation style is “pick-up artist.”
18. Cargo shorts. See No. 5. See No. 10. See No. 12.
19. Wakeboarding. Just for the rush of it, you know? The rush.
20. Favorite hobbies: “lifting.” Instead of going to the gym, he goes to “get huge.”